


Male Upgrade and a Fairy [podfic x2]

by KD reads (KDHeart)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Crack, Essays, Gen, Monologue, Podfic, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, evolution of a podficcer, humans are not computers, text with audio, the deity of your choice should never take up programing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3702289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/pseuds/KD%20reads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who I am is of no importance. You can call me your Fairy Godmother (and if you crack a joke, I might just crack your skull).</p><p>Why am I here? I'll just install some new software and you'll be on your merry way. Call it an upgrade.</p><p>Now, where did I put that CD?</p><p>[what should have been a thoughtful essay on 'the ideal man', but my teenage self couldn't help it]</p><p>[story and two audio versions]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Male Upgrade and a Fairy [podfic x2]

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in 2008 for my Writing class in Uni. We were supposed to write an essay on 'the ideal man' or some sort of nonsense like that and I procrastinated until the Linguistics class right before the assignment was due. I have no idea how I managed to sneakily write this during class, but this is what I eventually turned in. I actually read it in class and astonished everyone (especially myself)
> 
> Initially posted to my old deviantART [account](http://kitsunedragonheartlo.deviantart.com/art/Male-Upgrade-and-a-Fairy-82635455) and then to [my new one ](http://kdheart.deviantart.com/art/Male-Upgrade-and-a-Fairy-294532551)
> 
> A confession: I was a bit of a misandrist in my teens (I never once claimed feminism back then, because I knew very well that I wasn't) and somewhere along the way I must have edited this, because the original version was kind of offensive (not terribly so, but this is definitely more chiseled than the one I have in my class notes)
> 
> Now, for the audio stuff. Back in 2011, shortly after I discovered podfic, I wanted to give this new thing a try, but didn't dare inflict my horrible reading on anyone else's work, so I did this story. I'm pretty sure I read each individual paragraph five or six time and went with the best one (that time in class when I read it in one go was a one time deal and will never, ever happen again). I posted the file to a Romanian streaming site, but it has since been taken down during the many re-designs and (probably) due to the lack of listeners.
> 
> I then put podficcing aside for over a year, because I didn't think I could do it and there were so many other people doing things that were way out of my range, so why bother?
> 
> Some 130 podfics later... This has become so much more than a hobby!
> 
> I already did a re-pod of my first official podfic last year. Tempting as recording 'Making the Most of Purgatory' _again_ , I thought this would be more interesting.
> 
> So I'm crossposting the story and both versions of the recording here.
> 
> (Back in 2011, I had no idea how to remove noise for a recording and Audacity was still a baby that couldn't do anything except in the extremes - in this case, it cut off most of the frequencies trying to remove the noise)
> 
>  

2011 audio version

[MP3](http://kdheart.parakaproductions.com/meta/KitsuneDragonheartLove%20-%20Male%20upgrade%20and%20a%20fairy.mp3) | **Size:** 3.7 MB | **Duration:** 3:56min

 

2015 audio version

[MP3](http://kdheart.parakaproductions.com/meta/muf.mp3) | **Size:** 4.1 MB | **Duration:** 4:21min

 

* * *

 

**Male Upgrade and a Fairy**

Relax, darling. Your remote is in the safe, along with your Playboy collection, your X-box, the 2TB flash drive that now houses your porn stash (Oh, shush! I didn't watch it, just transferred it), that six-pack you bought for later and anything that might distract you.

No, you're not dreaming and yes, I sparkle. What of it?

Who I am is of no importance. You can call me your Fairy Godmother (and if you crack a joke, I might just crack your skull).

Why am I here? I'll just install some new software and you'll be on your merry way. Call it an upgrade.

Now, where did I put that CD?

Aha! Here it is!

Stop twitching, dear! This will only take a few minutes. We just need to open you up here, just behind the ear… put in the CD and start installing the new software. There we go…

Would you please be quiet! No, this is not "some sort of twisted dream"! I already explained it was real. Ok! Ok! Keep your pants on! You want explanations? Here you go!

There was a glitch, you know? And you've been out of date for ages now. I'm here to manually update and upgrade you (Don't ask me, you're the one with the computers! I had to requalify to get this job). I'm fitting you with a calendar and an alarm. Now you'll never miss a birthday or anniversary ever again. Of course you did, you just never realized! The alarm is beer activated and will go off before the marker hits 'Jerk'.

Stop that! You can't just cancel in the middle of the process. Not after all the hard work that went into getting you here!

Here we go: second phase. We're adding the _Basic_ _Skills_ application. This should allow you to take care of most of the household work. It also includes _Cooking_ (which used to work pretty well before _Marriage_ was inserted and made it crash), _Cleaning_ _up_ _v0.5_ … _Taking_ _out_ _the_ _trash_ still crashes but I'm pretty sure we got the right activation codes for _Hearing_ _the_ _baby_ _cry_ _at_ _night_ this time round.

Yes, your wife works with more advanced versions of those programs, but we couldn't get her to work without fuel and it's nearly impossible to fit another pair of hands on your current design.

Look, this bit's fast to install – technical and mechanical abilities. I thought you'd like that.

You're welcome.

What now? This is taking for ever!

Oh, it's the new stuff - _Female_ _Psychology_ _v5.32._ There's still some bugs with this one, I hear.

Well, don't look at me like that! I didn't design her! 'sides, the faulty bits were taken off of you, in the first place. I don't see why that would be _my_ fault.

Well… it _should_ tune you in to the 6 different tones a woman usually uses to state her point. It even comes with a dictionary (you know, stuff like "we need to talk" = one of us blew it and it was probably your fault).

What do you mean misogynistic? It's what the dictionary actually says! Well, you'll just have to wait until the install is over. No, 'I have a head ache' really means 'I have a head ache'. When related to sex, it simply implies you're the one causing it.

Oh, don't start!

Look, it's almost finished. You'll thank me when it's over.

This… this hasn't happened before…

What _error_? Contact software manufacturer? Are they _joking_?

I'll… I'll just pop up to see the boss, ok?

We've told Him not to go into programming, but would He listen? Of course not.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

**Author's Note:**

> Also - Hello, embarrassingly long early fandom name!
> 
> Also - also - My mouth hurts. It's been almost a week and my mouth still hurts from reading this. I have no idea how I managed the first time, but I had to put some serious effort into reading this now and I only did it twice! (at least I got 'calendar' right this time! \o/)


End file.
